For Mabel

For you, Mabel Q.

Black out

Japhy who?

I picked Japhy Ryder because he is how I wanted to be. I wanted to grow up in the woods and and know how to cut down the trees and live life like I knew I was going to die. I wanted to live in a shack on the edge of the city and read and think and be with my friends and live. I wanted to climb the Matterhorn and spend a summer on top of desolation and go to Asia and study the zen monks and live.

 To live!!

But that's not who I am.

I didn't grow up in the woods, I have some trees in my backyard but that doesn't really count.
Once I cut down a tree but it was pretty small and it took me 4 days.
I know I'm going to die, but that doesn't motivate me like I feel it should.
I'd get bored in a shack and cities give me panic attacks.
But I do like to read, and I do like time with my friends.
And hiking might not be so bad if I could go at my own..

But my point is I'm not Japhy Ryder, I'm me.

I'm disorganized and messy
and I'm anxious and get too panicky
and I'm overly sensitive and always hold grudges
and I talk too much when I shouldn't but don't speak up when I really should
and I'm over confident while staying very insecure
and I think too much
and I think too much
and I think too much

But I usually try my best, and I think I can start to do better. I'll do better.

I'm Dylan Stevens. Hi.

</3

I don't always know if what I have is a heart but I do feel something in my chest. 

I feel it wishing 

and wanting 

and yearning 

and crying 

and falling 

and burning 

and pumping

and flying

I feel it being crumpled up and thrown at the trash can, but it misses so someone has to pick it up and drop it in

I hear it spinning just how it should but slowly slowing till its at an audibly lower pitch and the music is at the wrong speed

I see it half full of water but I don't want to go upstairs and fill it back up

Yes, I feel it, but whatever it is, it still works. 

I'm scared

I fear my family

If I wasn't born into their lives would they still like me?

I fear my friends

Are they with me because they feel like they have to be? Do they wish I would leave them alone?

I fear there won't be any elephants left when I die

I like elephants. I feel like they matter even though some people think they don't. Why do people think they don't?

I fear first impressions

Do people really not like me when they meet me? Is that even something I can change?

I fear I'll get sad like I used to

Could I even handle that?

I fear graduation

Then what? I don't want to leave this part of my life. How are people not afraid of that?

I fear not graduating 

I can't even imagine the disappointment

I fear being ungrateful

I need to appreciate this more. Appreciate you more. Appreciate everything more

I fear missed opportunities 

I should have done this. I should have don't that. Should have tried. Why didn't I try?

I fear death

Not my death, but others. Yours. Theirs. My friends and family. I'm afraid every day that something will happen. Every minute someone's late is another scenario where I don't see them again

I fear how anxious I get

Will I ever calm down? How do I relax? Will I ever be able to enjoy anything without worrying about the next moment?

I fear how afraid I really am.



I really am

here

 

What's love?

What is love?

Love is life

Love is the little things you think go unnoticed

Love is when you don't care if they go unnoticed

Love is when Mom wakes up with you in the morning, just to say goodbye when you go to school

Love is work

Love is a turkey tomato avocado bacon sandwich

Love is sacrifice

Love is forgiveness

Love is imperfection

Love is kindness

Love is real

Love is here

Love is ours to give

Give Love.

Interlude (That's Love)- Chance the Rapper

Alive

How I know I'm probably alive

• I can feel myself breathing.
• My feet are cold
• My music isn't playing as I write this and that makes me upset
• I get upset
• Girls make me scared sometimes
• I'm afraid of new people
• I eat more than I should sometimes
• My head itches
• My eyes hurt
• People make me laugh
• I can taste how good ice-cream is
• I'm really anxious
• I chew my finger nails and they grow back
• The burn on my arm itches
• I love the fall colors
• I can see and think how cool the sky always looks
• I feel empathy
• I feel sadness
• I feel happiness
• I feel rain
• I feel sun
• I feel

I am alive. I am here. I am ready

What am I

What is a human?

Why must I be?

What is a human?

A human is me.  

Why is a human?

Why am I me?

I look up and wonder,

What else I could be?

A fish

A frog

A flower

A tree

Anything else

But would I still be me?

I think that I'm human.

I think that I'm me.

But if I am not human,

What else could I be?

Questions melt

The water freezes

I look and I wonder why

It melts, all is well

Okay

Lunchtime makes me sad

Football games too

Something about seeing so many people seeming so okay makes me feel like it's not okay to not always be okay. And I know everyone's not always okay but when everyone acts like they're okay and it's okay then how are people supposed to know that it's okay to not be okay? And usually it's okay and lunch is okay and life's okay, sometimes it's even good, or great. But sometimes it's nice to feel like it's okay not to always be okay. 

But it's okay. 

What I see

I see a sword

A bottle

Pens

Puzzles

I see Jesus 

I see pink

I see yellow

White

Black

Green

Blue

Grey

Brown

I see colours

I see a turtle

A carved wooden box 

Books

Super smash brothers

I see posters

Pictures

Chapstick

Dust

I see a dream catcher

A duck

Broken glass

Garbage 

Shoes

National Geographic

A chair

I see my broken record player

Records

Shelves

A phone

A vacuume

Hats

Drawers

Duct tape

Flashlights

Lightbulbs

I see a 15 pound weight

A briefcase

A door

A pin

A clock

I don't see enough

Contradicting thoughts

I want to fly but I'm afraid of heights

I want to be taller but I nervous to grow up

I want to be quieter but I need to meet more people

I want to climb mountains but I don't want to leave bed

I want to eat but I'm not very hungry

I want to play music but I'm too frustrated to practice

I want to know more but I don't know what to learn

I want to "go with the flow" but I'm nervous about everything

I want

I want

I want

But...

hats?

Hats bind us. They seperate, they're not not real, and but they're what make us... us. They make us athletes, dancers, bookworms, introverts, musicians, they make us the friends, sons, daughters and people we are. Whatever we do, whatever we are, we owe it to the hats we put on. Hats are the relationships we make, the talents we have, the reputations others see. Some people think we have hats we don't, and some people don't have any idea what hats we have. We make our hats, and they make us. Some of these hats are new, or practically unworn, and some took years to make and we add to them everyday, taking and adding, trying, or not trying, to make them the best they can be. I like the people that know how to make a hat for everyone, getting to know them and making there hat, their relationship, as real and beautiful as they can. I like the people, who no matter what hat they put on, still can somehow stay the same. The people that put a part of themselves into what they create. The people that do whatever it takes to keep their hats, or their relationships and roles, in good condition. But still, even the best of us have hats we've broken, or ruined, or forgotten. The hats we've let turn ugly, the relationships we've given up on. But nothing is past fixing, and with enough effort and work and tears and sweat, no hat can't be fixed, no sin can't be atoned, and no friendship can't be renewed. Nothing is impossible, but nothing is easy. No hat worth wearing, or relationship worth keeping, doesn't require hard work and dedication. We are the hats we wear, so make something you can be proud of.  

Um

I don't know how I feel.
Well
I kind of do. I feel tired and anxious.

Mostly anxious. I think I'm always anxious.
My stomach always has nervous butterflies.
It feels like they're biting me.

And it hurts.
And I'm nervous.

I know who I am. I think. I don't know who you are.
I think that scares me, but I'm not sure.
Usually talking to strangers is easier for me than talking to friends.
But some of you strangers are my friends.
Hmm.
That scares me.

But I think its okay to be scared.
There's no shame in fear, unless it holds you back.
It won't hold me back.
I feel confident. I'll try.
I'll do my best.

Um.

I'm Japhy Ryder.