ReAl liFe $

In 2 months I'll be 18

In 4 months I'll be done with highschool

In 8 months I could be on a mission

I'm not even ready for tomorrow

I'm not even ready for bed

I miss yesterday when I was 12 or 8 or 5 when the days felt like years and my backyard was its own universe 

I miss when I had a a full house and I heard something other than silence and the washing machine

I miss not knowing what friends were and not caring about anything but my mom and my dog

I miss eating TV dinners over a towel and watching Peter Pan in the entry way

I miss walking my dog

I miss what my life was

But In 2 months I'll be 18

In 4 months I'll be done with highschool

In 8 months I could be on a mission

I'm not even ready for tomorrow

Muzic

Little Boys - New Shack

The Summer Ends - American Football

Bright Lit Blue Skies - Ariel Pink

Come to Here - Bat Manors

Stand By Me - Ben E. King

Chamakay - Blood Orange

I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver

Lost - Chance the Rapper

If I Had a Heart - Fever Ray

Crack Rock - Frank Ocean

Itchin' on a Photograph - Grouplove

Perfect Disguise - Modest Mouse

Romulus - Sufjan Stevens

Wild Geese - The Drums

Sister, Do You Know My Name? The  White Stripes

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

For Mabel

For you, Mabel Q.

Black out

Japhy who?

I picked Japhy Ryder because he is how I wanted to be. I wanted to grow up in the woods and and know how to cut down the trees and live life like I knew I was going to die. I wanted to live in a shack on the edge of the city and read and think and be with my friends and live. I wanted to climb the Matterhorn and spend a summer on top of desolation and go to Asia and study the zen monks and live.

 To live!!

But that's not who I am.

I didn't grow up in the woods, I have some trees in my backyard but that doesn't really count.
Once I cut down a tree but it was pretty small and it took me 4 days.
I know I'm going to die, but that doesn't motivate me like I feel it should.
I'd get bored in a shack and cities give me panic attacks.
But I do like to read, and I do like time with my friends.
And hiking might not be so bad if I could go at my own..

But my point is I'm not Japhy Ryder, I'm me.

I'm disorganized and messy
and I'm anxious and get too panicky
and I'm overly sensitive and always hold grudges
and I talk too much when I shouldn't but don't speak up when I really should
and I'm over confident while staying very insecure
and I think too much
and I think too much
and I think too much

But I usually try my best, and I think I can start to do better. I'll do better.

I'm Dylan Stevens. Hi.

</3

I don't always know if what I have is a heart but I do feel something in my chest. 

I feel it wishing 

and wanting 

and yearning 

and crying 

and falling 

and burning 

and pumping

and flying

I feel it being crumpled up and thrown at the trash can, but it misses so someone has to pick it up and drop it in

I hear it spinning just how it should but slowly slowing till its at an audibly lower pitch and the music is at the wrong speed

I see it half full of water but I don't want to go upstairs and fill it back up

Yes, I feel it, but whatever it is, it still works. 

I'm scared

I fear my family

If I wasn't born into their lives would they still like me?

I fear my friends

Are they with me because they feel like they have to be? Do they wish I would leave them alone?

I fear there won't be any elephants left when I die

I like elephants. I feel like they matter even though some people think they don't. Why do people think they don't?

I fear first impressions

Do people really not like me when they meet me? Is that even something I can change?

I fear I'll get sad like I used to

Could I even handle that?

I fear graduation

Then what? I don't want to leave this part of my life. How are people not afraid of that?

I fear not graduating 

I can't even imagine the disappointment

I fear being ungrateful

I need to appreciate this more. Appreciate you more. Appreciate everything more

I fear missed opportunities 

I should have done this. I should have don't that. Should have tried. Why didn't I try?

I fear death

Not my death, but others. Yours. Theirs. My friends and family. I'm afraid every day that something will happen. Every minute someone's late is another scenario where I don't see them again

I fear how anxious I get

Will I ever calm down? How do I relax? Will I ever be able to enjoy anything without worrying about the next moment?

I fear how afraid I really am.



I really am