Japhy who?

I picked Japhy Ryder because he is how I wanted to be. I wanted to grow up in the woods and and know how to cut down the trees and live life like I knew I was going to die. I wanted to live in a shack on the edge of the city and read and think and be with my friends and live. I wanted to climb the Matterhorn and spend a summer on top of desolation and go to Asia and study the zen monks and live.

 To live!!

But that's not who I am.

I didn't grow up in the woods, I have some trees in my backyard but that doesn't really count.
Once I cut down a tree but it was pretty small and it took me 4 days.
I know I'm going to die, but that doesn't motivate me like I feel it should.
I'd get bored in a shack and cities give me panic attacks.
But I do like to read, and I do like time with my friends.
And hiking might not be so bad if I could go at my own..

But my point is I'm not Japhy Ryder, I'm me.

I'm disorganized and messy
and I'm anxious and get too panicky
and I'm overly sensitive and always hold grudges
and I talk too much when I shouldn't but don't speak up when I really should
and I'm over confident while staying very insecure
and I think too much
and I think too much
and I think too much

But I usually try my best, and I think I can start to do better. I'll do better.

I'm Dylan Stevens. Hi.

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I don't always know if what I have is a heart but I do feel something in my chest. 

I feel it wishing 

and wanting 

and yearning 

and crying 

and falling 

and burning 

and pumping

and flying

I feel it being crumpled up and thrown at the trash can, but it misses so someone has to pick it up and drop it in

I hear it spinning just how it should but slowly slowing till its at an audibly lower pitch and the music is at the wrong speed

I see it half full of water but I don't want to go upstairs and fill it back up

Yes, I feel it, but whatever it is, it still works.